4 Effective Tools for Dealing with ANGER
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
Over the next month, I’ll be sharing a four-part series that will outline simple, clear, and effective steps to deal with anger well. This isn’t about trying to control or suppress your anger. Feelings aren’t something we can control, and trying to do so often leads to frustration and repression. What you can control is your focus and actions, allowing your emotions to exist while you take meaningful steps toward what matters to you.
This series will debunk some of the more popular advice on anger management and offer better solutions that lead to long-term peace and growth. Instead of focusing on techniques like deep breathing or time-outs, which tend to serve as temporary fixes, I’ll show you how to engage with anger in a way that works with it—not against it. Anger, when handled properly, can be a signal that reveals important information about your boundaries, values, and needs.
The Problem with Popular Anger Management Techniques
Many of the popular approaches to anger focus on controlling it. You’ve probably heard advice like “just breathe,” “take a time-out,” or “try to change how you’re thinking.” These tips may or may not bring temporary relief. They also might backfire. The feelings you try to control often end up controlling you.
Real progress happens when you stop trying to control anger and instead learn to own it, listen to it, and experience it differently. Anger is not your enemy—it’s just a signal. It can tell you something about what you care about and where your boundaries need to be stronger.
A Better Way to Deal With Anger
In this series, we’ll focus on four essential steps to dealing with anger well, so that you can respond to it in a way that leads to peace, rather than suppression or acting out.
1) Conscious Ownership
The first step is conscious ownership. This means experiencing your anger fully without letting it take control of you. Anger is a natural response, but it’s not something that should drive your behavior. Owning your anger means accepting it, recognizing that it’s telling you something important, and deciding how to respond to it. You’ll learn that anger isn’t in control of you—you are.
2) Decoding the Message
Anger always carries a message about what matters to you. It’s often a signal that one of your values has been threatened. The second step is about decoding that message. Instead of seeing anger as something irrational, view it as a communication about what’s important to you. When you figure out what value has been violated, you can shift your focus toward embracing that value rather than fighting the anger. This leads to clarity and peace.
3) Strengthening Your Boundaries
One of the most common reasons for anger is weak boundaries. The third step involves improving your boundaries. Anger often arises when someone crosses a line—whether it’s emotional, physical, or relational. By strengthening your boundaries, you can prevent anger from building up over time, and when it does arise, you’ll know exactly what’s been crossed. Strong boundaries help you assert yourself in a healthy way and reduce the likelihood of feeling constantly angry.
4) Giving Your Anger a Voice
Finally, the fourth step is giving your anger a voice. Rather than trying to suppress or reframe your anger, this step is about calmly expressing what you feel and what you want. This isn’t about exploding or venting; it’s about using anger as a tool for clear, assertive communication. Giving your anger a voice, you can take ownership of your feelings and create opportunities for resolution, allowing you to feel more in control of yourself.
What to Expect in the Upcoming Articles
This series will explore each of these steps in detail, offering practical ways to put them into action. We’ll break down how you can work with your anger in a way that leaves you feeling in control, focused on what truly matters to you, and at peace—without resorting to repression or acting out.
So stay tuned for the next four articles in this series, where we’ll dive into each of these steps, giving you the tools to transform anger from a destructive force into a powerful ally for personal growth and self-respect.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
