You don’t know her… and she doesn’t know you…
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
The other day, I picked up a new pair of shoes. My wife took a look and said, “They look nice, but you’re never going to wear them. You don’t like shoes with laces.” I paused, taken aback. What? I wear shoes with laces all the time! Practically every day, unless I’m stepping out in flip-flops for a quick errand.
Then a few days later, my eight-year-old and I went camping. As we were lying in the tent, she asked me if I’d ever ridden a motorcycle. I shared memories of long rides with my stepfather when I was her age, cruising along winding roads. Her eyes lit up with curiosity—she’d just uncovered a part of me she didn’t know about. And in a way, so had I. These interactions made me realize: no matter how well we think we know our loved ones, there’s always something new to discover.
You might look at the title You Don’t Know Her… and She Doesn’t Know You… and think it sounds a bit ominous, like a reminder of some big, hidden distance between us. But the truth is, it’s actually exciting. Those closest to us are full of stories, quirks, and memories that we’ve never fully explored. If we’re open to it, we’ll keep finding ways to connect, discover, and understand each other in new ways.
Avoid the Trap of Thinking You’ve “Got Them All Figured Out”
Often, we make the mistake of believing we know everything there is to know about our loved ones. But when we think we’ve got someone all figured out, it can make the relationship feel predictable—less exciting, less alive. It’s easy to fall into routines based on what we assume to know, rather than being curious about who they are today or what they’ve experienced.
Want to add some spark? Recognize that, even though you know so much about each other, there’s still so much left to explore. Underneath the familiar is someone who can surprise you. So instead of settling into old assumptions, stay curious. You may just find there’s a whole world of stories and memories to discover.
Tips for Discovering the Unexpected in Each Other
Ask Something Random
Try asking, “Tell me something random about another part of your life.” You’ll be surprised by the fun or unusual things they might share. This kind of question often opens the door to stories we don’t usually think to tell but are happy to share when asked.
Share Something No One Knows About You
Go out on a limb and say, “There’s something I think you should know about me…” Then, make it something light-hearted or funny. For instance, “When I was a kid, I’d spend hours floating in an inner tube down the beach, just drifting.” It’s a playful way to share a lesser-known part of yourself and invite your partner into your personal history.
(article continues below)
Make Everyday Time Together into a Game
The next time you’re watching a movie or TV show together, ask, “Has anything like that ever happened to you?” This simple question can lead to some surprising stories and give you a chance to learn about each other’s pasts in a casual, easy-going way.
Explore What Really Mattered to Them at Different Points in Life
Ask them what was important to them at different stages in their life—a childhood hobby, a first job, or a pivotal experience. It’s a way to appreciate their journey and reflect on what’s shaped them along the way.
Share Little-Known Facts
Take turns sharing quirky facts about yourselves. This could be a favorite snack from childhood, a fun high school memory, or an unusual skill. These small details make your connection feel fresh and remind you that there’s always more to learn.
Why Rediscovering Each Other Matters
Relationships grow richer when we remember there’s always something new to learn about each other. Each moment of rediscovery brings you closer to understanding why you connected in the first place. It keeps the relationship vibrant, filled with opportunities for laughter and meaningful conversations. So, start asking those questions, share those untold stories, and enjoy the journey of getting to know each other all over again.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
